Reclaiming the good
While cleaning out my room yesterday, I came across my old bible. The cover was tattered and the pages throughout are worn and covered with highlighting and pencil marks. The obvious signs of a well loved and used book. It's also obvious that I haven't used this bible or gone to church regularly in about 2-3 years since I found this covered in dust under my bed.
As I flipped through this bible I came across a familiar and relevant verse about putting on the new self. "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth" Colossians 3:3. It emphasizes for me the importance of this journey to cleanse and purge my life of these physical objects and to focus on the things that really matter. It also happens to fill me with guilt, or perhaps it reminds me of something that used to be really important and significant in my life but that I have been avoiding; or that I gave up on.
When I decided to get divorced, I spent a lot of time praying about it. I have always considered myself an open-minded conservative (which sounds like an oxy moron to some of my liberal friends). This is just an important side note, but some of my best friends are completely opposite me on the political and moral spectrum, yet I love the person that they are; their genuine and loving spirit and the passion they have for what they believe in. Anyway, I needed to know that the reasons for my divorce were biblical and that my decision was directed by God. This may also sound like an oxy moron but my church and pastor were very conservative but had also taught that there were acceptable reasons for divorce. I had experienced physical and emotional abuse during my marriage so I knew it met that criteria. Yet I still felt compelled to talk to my Pastor and to investigate the biblical background myself to make sure. If anyone else struggles with this issue I recommend reading a very poignant book by Barbara Roberts: Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery & Desertion. I don't intend to present a biblical argument for divorce here, only to explain a little about my recent spiritual history. But talking to my pastor a finding biblical support for divorce was still not enough. I had to know in my heart that it was the right thing for me to do and that God would be okay with it; with me. I truly prayed for God to give me the answer and asked God for direction on both matters. If God showed me that things were going to be all right and get better in our marriage if I stayed and worked on it then I whole-heartedly was willing to do so. But it fell flat. And when I prayed to God to show me what the future was like if I got a divorce I felt a release to do so.
So after my divorce Continuing to go to church was hard. Even though the pastor supported divorced people, other people like to come up to me and give me their opinions. I felt it was not my place to tell everyone about the abusive behavior of my husband or to tear him down to anyone so they didn't know anything about my experience. I am a very private person and never even told anyone in my family until I was filing for divorce. But some people from the church felt they needed to come talk to me and tell me that they knew God's will for my marriage - even if they were divorced themselves. I know they were trying to help me and to share their own experience with me but trying to pretend that they knew God's will for my life while admitting that they knew very little about the details of my marriage was just wrong. How can anyone judge someone else when you don't have to live their life? No one can tell you what is right for you.
So I tried to go to a different church. One of the "mega-churches" in my town. For a while I enjoyed to anonymity but sometimes I just looked around and felt lonely or sad. I saw all the little families with two parents and I felt out of place. I tried to join some small groups but didn't want to join a group just for divorced women - because as soon as we saw that is the main thing we had in common, it was the only thing to really talk about. I was in another group for women of different backgrounds: single, married, divorced. And I met a couple girls there I hung out with for a while but we still didn't stay in touch for long. I tried a few other churches but it was hard to find a place that felt right.
Recently, I have been talking with my kids and my boyfriend about going back to church. The kids want to go but donn't even understand the question of "what kind of church do you want to go to?" And my boyfriend is not very religious but he's willing to go wherever I want to go. So I guess that is a question I need to answer for myself. Among others like "what do I even believe anymore about God?"
I thought women my age were supposed to be so sure of who they are and what they believe. Is this a mid-life crisis? I do feel more comfortable with being myself than I was before. Maybe that's why I don't feel I fit in sometimes; among all the pretense. Well, I don't have the answers today and probably won't have them all figured out tomorrow. But finding this bible just reminds me that there are some parts of myself from the past that I want to reclaim in my life. They may look somewhat different and have evolved and I'm not sure even what shape they will take yet but I am going to make steps in that direction. Last night I read to my son form the bible at bedtime and I think he enjoyed it as much as I did. So I think I will do it again tonight.
As I flipped through this bible I came across a familiar and relevant verse about putting on the new self. "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth" Colossians 3:3. It emphasizes for me the importance of this journey to cleanse and purge my life of these physical objects and to focus on the things that really matter. It also happens to fill me with guilt, or perhaps it reminds me of something that used to be really important and significant in my life but that I have been avoiding; or that I gave up on.
When I decided to get divorced, I spent a lot of time praying about it. I have always considered myself an open-minded conservative (which sounds like an oxy moron to some of my liberal friends). This is just an important side note, but some of my best friends are completely opposite me on the political and moral spectrum, yet I love the person that they are; their genuine and loving spirit and the passion they have for what they believe in. Anyway, I needed to know that the reasons for my divorce were biblical and that my decision was directed by God. This may also sound like an oxy moron but my church and pastor were very conservative but had also taught that there were acceptable reasons for divorce. I had experienced physical and emotional abuse during my marriage so I knew it met that criteria. Yet I still felt compelled to talk to my Pastor and to investigate the biblical background myself to make sure. If anyone else struggles with this issue I recommend reading a very poignant book by Barbara Roberts: Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery & Desertion. I don't intend to present a biblical argument for divorce here, only to explain a little about my recent spiritual history. But talking to my pastor a finding biblical support for divorce was still not enough. I had to know in my heart that it was the right thing for me to do and that God would be okay with it; with me. I truly prayed for God to give me the answer and asked God for direction on both matters. If God showed me that things were going to be all right and get better in our marriage if I stayed and worked on it then I whole-heartedly was willing to do so. But it fell flat. And when I prayed to God to show me what the future was like if I got a divorce I felt a release to do so.
So after my divorce Continuing to go to church was hard. Even though the pastor supported divorced people, other people like to come up to me and give me their opinions. I felt it was not my place to tell everyone about the abusive behavior of my husband or to tear him down to anyone so they didn't know anything about my experience. I am a very private person and never even told anyone in my family until I was filing for divorce. But some people from the church felt they needed to come talk to me and tell me that they knew God's will for my marriage - even if they were divorced themselves. I know they were trying to help me and to share their own experience with me but trying to pretend that they knew God's will for my life while admitting that they knew very little about the details of my marriage was just wrong. How can anyone judge someone else when you don't have to live their life? No one can tell you what is right for you.
So I tried to go to a different church. One of the "mega-churches" in my town. For a while I enjoyed to anonymity but sometimes I just looked around and felt lonely or sad. I saw all the little families with two parents and I felt out of place. I tried to join some small groups but didn't want to join a group just for divorced women - because as soon as we saw that is the main thing we had in common, it was the only thing to really talk about. I was in another group for women of different backgrounds: single, married, divorced. And I met a couple girls there I hung out with for a while but we still didn't stay in touch for long. I tried a few other churches but it was hard to find a place that felt right.
Recently, I have been talking with my kids and my boyfriend about going back to church. The kids want to go but donn't even understand the question of "what kind of church do you want to go to?" And my boyfriend is not very religious but he's willing to go wherever I want to go. So I guess that is a question I need to answer for myself. Among others like "what do I even believe anymore about God?"
I thought women my age were supposed to be so sure of who they are and what they believe. Is this a mid-life crisis? I do feel more comfortable with being myself than I was before. Maybe that's why I don't feel I fit in sometimes; among all the pretense. Well, I don't have the answers today and probably won't have them all figured out tomorrow. But finding this bible just reminds me that there are some parts of myself from the past that I want to reclaim in my life. They may look somewhat different and have evolved and I'm not sure even what shape they will take yet but I am going to make steps in that direction. Last night I read to my son form the bible at bedtime and I think he enjoyed it as much as I did. So I think I will do it again tonight.
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