Stalled
My de-cluttering process has been derailed lately. Some of it is activities and things with the kids but I have just had trouble staying motivated. I wonder if it is partly because I have had doubts about my boyfriend moving in. I'm going to call him Stewart. A few days ago I told Stewart that I still had doubts because I am not even sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It hurt him tremendously and I felt bad. I also think that shortly after I said it I didn't know if I even meant it. We are both close to 40 and his response of course was "what are we doing then?"
I'm still really not sure. I have a tendency to waffle about things. I can be terribly indecisive. That has not always been the case. Right after I decided to get a divorce I was sitting on my back porch with my parents. They had recently learned for the first time that my husband had been abusive and they seemed somewhat concerned that I might change my mind about leaving him. But then my dad told me an observation he had made about me before; that I take a long time to decide something but when I came to a decision, I didn't back down. That even happened in previous romantic relationships. I just suddenly said "Nope, I'm done." And that was it.
What are my reservations about Stewart? What is holding me back? Do I really have a problem with commitment like he says? That's probably true. Especially since I decided to get a divorce. I also think it has to do with a hang up over the man I dated before Stewart, the first man I fell in love with after my divorce and a man I truly thought might be my soul mate. Let's call him Jim. Most people tell me I dodged a bullet because Jim had already been divorced twice and then rushed into marrying the next girl after me in less than a year. But while Jim was with me, he was good to me and he made me feel amazing. He made me feel like he truly understood me and appreciated me in a way no one else ever had. And in my head I realize that if he left me so abruptly and then rushed into marrying the next girl he really didn't appreciate me. By the way, this is a girl I asked Jim about while we were still dating and he said "she would never compare to me," so he was definitely full of shit. But it never feels that way and I guess my heart has trouble letting go.
Ok, so I need to work on letting go. But then I come back around to examining how I feel about Stewart. Some of my reservations are real. He drives me nuts sometimes. He can be clingy and immature at times. But then at other times he is so sweet and generous and we have a great time together. We laugh a lot. And sometimes he does things that just make me shake my head in disbelief and think "this is the kindest, most patient and understanding man I've ever been with." Are some of my objections shallow and/or judgemental? Does is have to do with his looks or his weight or how much money he makes? I think some of those things sometimes but that's never been enough to deter me from seeing someone for who they are inside. His past troubles me but can I judge him for his past? We all make mistakes. He is in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction and that scares me sometimes. I don't have a lot of personal experience with that type of thing. But I also recognize how much recovery is a part of his life and the person he has become. It is part of his identity and I admire him for how much he has changed form his past. He can tell me some very interesting stories, but sometimes I don't even see that side of him at all, the recovery side. Sometimes when I have concerns about the past creeping back up he reminds me that I have only known him on this side of things, the better side, and that if he went back to using I would know it immediately. He has been sober for almost 3 years.
So I guess I have much bigger things to figure out than de-cluttering. Then again, I feel that this is part of the process too. Get rid of all the things from my old life, old relationships, old memories that are holding me hostage. I have to dredge up the past and consciously let it all go to cleanse my mind and my soul as well as my home.
I'm still really not sure. I have a tendency to waffle about things. I can be terribly indecisive. That has not always been the case. Right after I decided to get a divorce I was sitting on my back porch with my parents. They had recently learned for the first time that my husband had been abusive and they seemed somewhat concerned that I might change my mind about leaving him. But then my dad told me an observation he had made about me before; that I take a long time to decide something but when I came to a decision, I didn't back down. That even happened in previous romantic relationships. I just suddenly said "Nope, I'm done." And that was it.
What are my reservations about Stewart? What is holding me back? Do I really have a problem with commitment like he says? That's probably true. Especially since I decided to get a divorce. I also think it has to do with a hang up over the man I dated before Stewart, the first man I fell in love with after my divorce and a man I truly thought might be my soul mate. Let's call him Jim. Most people tell me I dodged a bullet because Jim had already been divorced twice and then rushed into marrying the next girl after me in less than a year. But while Jim was with me, he was good to me and he made me feel amazing. He made me feel like he truly understood me and appreciated me in a way no one else ever had. And in my head I realize that if he left me so abruptly and then rushed into marrying the next girl he really didn't appreciate me. By the way, this is a girl I asked Jim about while we were still dating and he said "she would never compare to me," so he was definitely full of shit. But it never feels that way and I guess my heart has trouble letting go.
Ok, so I need to work on letting go. But then I come back around to examining how I feel about Stewart. Some of my reservations are real. He drives me nuts sometimes. He can be clingy and immature at times. But then at other times he is so sweet and generous and we have a great time together. We laugh a lot. And sometimes he does things that just make me shake my head in disbelief and think "this is the kindest, most patient and understanding man I've ever been with." Are some of my objections shallow and/or judgemental? Does is have to do with his looks or his weight or how much money he makes? I think some of those things sometimes but that's never been enough to deter me from seeing someone for who they are inside. His past troubles me but can I judge him for his past? We all make mistakes. He is in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction and that scares me sometimes. I don't have a lot of personal experience with that type of thing. But I also recognize how much recovery is a part of his life and the person he has become. It is part of his identity and I admire him for how much he has changed form his past. He can tell me some very interesting stories, but sometimes I don't even see that side of him at all, the recovery side. Sometimes when I have concerns about the past creeping back up he reminds me that I have only known him on this side of things, the better side, and that if he went back to using I would know it immediately. He has been sober for almost 3 years.
So I guess I have much bigger things to figure out than de-cluttering. Then again, I feel that this is part of the process too. Get rid of all the things from my old life, old relationships, old memories that are holding me hostage. I have to dredge up the past and consciously let it all go to cleanse my mind and my soul as well as my home.
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