Getting Burned
Getting divorced is painful. It can take a while before you open up to finding love again. But what if the first time you do, you get burned again? That is what happened to me. And it probably has something to do with why I became "The Most Committment-Phobic Woman In America."
It was about 3 years after my separation from my ex husband that I met "Jim" and fell in love. It seemed like a perfect romance. He was smitten with me from the start. I took a few more times of meeting but within weeks I was head over heels. We felt that passion you have as teenagers. We laughed together, we shared tender moments, and most of all when he looked into my eyes I felt that he could see right into the core of my being and saw a woman he loved and respected dearly. The only thing that a question was where we would spend our lives together. We lived about a hour apart and we both lived near our children from previous marriages, so if we were to live together or get married either one of us would have to move further away or we would both have to move somewhere in the middle. But I was sure that if we loved each other we could find a solution and compromise.
Then one day, after about 8 months he suddenly broke it off. I was completely blind-sided. And his reason never really made sense to me. Up until that moment I had no idea we had any unsolvable problems. He chose not to talk this issue out with me and try to make it work. He just decided to abandon the relationship without giving me a fair chance to do anything about it. I believe he had unspoken expectations and poor communication which led to the demise of our romance. But in reality, he wasn't being completely honest about his reasons and had someone else in mind; someone more convenient for him because she lived in his home town.
I kept trying to reach out to him for 6 months when I found out that he had been seeing someone else probably since shortly after we broke up. They actually got married only a few months after that. It was crazy and I was devastated yet again. I have strived to be happy for him but it is a struggle to find acceptance. The truth is that I probably had this man on a pedastle and he wasn't as honorable and faithful as I had imagined him to be. There were warning signs I ignored. In fact, this was a woman he had become friends with while we were dating and when I asked him who she was he said "Oh, she will never compare to you." I was shocked because this is not the question I had asked him and I wondered why he was comparing us. But I chose to believe him.
I have difficulty letting go. And I had been convince that this man was really my soul mate and that he truly loved me and respected me. At face value that doesn't seem true but it's a hard belief to let go. If I was giving advice to a friend in this same situation I would tell them that this guy was a liar and never respected them. He probably doesn't respect women at all given his track record of being on his third marriage. That all his words of praise and kind thoughtful acts are just a load of crap he tries to pass off as love but is really just his way of getting what he wants from you. But when you have experienced something that felt like true love, it is a very hard belief to give up.
So this was the first love I had after my divorce. And I got burned pretty bad. By someone who ran off and married the next woman very quickly. It has definitely hindered my ability to fall for someone again and is hurting my current relationship. I can't help but always compare Stewart to Jim, and the way Jim made me feel. And sometimes I can't figure out if Stewart just falls short because I believed Jim was more amazing than he was. Or that Jim was so good at pretending to be amazing that he set up an impossible standard for a real, genuine man. Or is there something truly missing? That sense of connection, when you feel you've known the other person your whole life and they can tell how you feel or think before you even say anything.
See, I complain a lot that Stewart doesn't listen to me. Sometimes I mean that he just doesn't understand me, but other times he just literally asks me a question about something I talked to him about for like 20 minutes and I realize he just wasn't listening to a dang thing I said. The part that aggravates me the most is that he denies it. Just admit it, own up to it, and say you're sorry. But saying you were listening when you clearly weren't is really frustrating. Jim was a great listener. He remembered everything you said and he was attentive to it. It was like he studied me to understand me better, and then he would do thoughtful things because he knew I liked them. And he also thought a lot like me, so we had a deep connection. I just want to feel that way again. But I don't believe I will ever find another person like that.
On the other hand, Stewart will do just about anything for me. He is helpful with taking care of my pets and my kids. He is extremely patient. He has put up with me even though in the beginning I broke it off a couple of times because I was still hung up on Jim. And at times I have been really depressed. He is patient with my kids, and the difficulties I have dealing with my ex husband sometimes. He accepts me for who I am even with all my faults. And trust me, I've shown them to him.
At times I have wondered if I just need to revise my definition of love. Romantic love is fleeting; that mad passionate love that comes in and out of your life like a whirlwind. It can make you feel so amazing when you have it but it can leave behind a lot of destruction and devastation. I think my temperament is definitely the romantic idealist type who dreams of having that person who makes you feel something so deep inside you didn't even know was there. But maybe true love is that steady, patient love that may not be as exciting but sticks with you through the hard times, the frustrations, and maintains steadfast despite your imperfections. Unfortunately, I still don't have the answers.
It was about 3 years after my separation from my ex husband that I met "Jim" and fell in love. It seemed like a perfect romance. He was smitten with me from the start. I took a few more times of meeting but within weeks I was head over heels. We felt that passion you have as teenagers. We laughed together, we shared tender moments, and most of all when he looked into my eyes I felt that he could see right into the core of my being and saw a woman he loved and respected dearly. The only thing that a question was where we would spend our lives together. We lived about a hour apart and we both lived near our children from previous marriages, so if we were to live together or get married either one of us would have to move further away or we would both have to move somewhere in the middle. But I was sure that if we loved each other we could find a solution and compromise.
Then one day, after about 8 months he suddenly broke it off. I was completely blind-sided. And his reason never really made sense to me. Up until that moment I had no idea we had any unsolvable problems. He chose not to talk this issue out with me and try to make it work. He just decided to abandon the relationship without giving me a fair chance to do anything about it. I believe he had unspoken expectations and poor communication which led to the demise of our romance. But in reality, he wasn't being completely honest about his reasons and had someone else in mind; someone more convenient for him because she lived in his home town.
I kept trying to reach out to him for 6 months when I found out that he had been seeing someone else probably since shortly after we broke up. They actually got married only a few months after that. It was crazy and I was devastated yet again. I have strived to be happy for him but it is a struggle to find acceptance. The truth is that I probably had this man on a pedastle and he wasn't as honorable and faithful as I had imagined him to be. There were warning signs I ignored. In fact, this was a woman he had become friends with while we were dating and when I asked him who she was he said "Oh, she will never compare to you." I was shocked because this is not the question I had asked him and I wondered why he was comparing us. But I chose to believe him.
I have difficulty letting go. And I had been convince that this man was really my soul mate and that he truly loved me and respected me. At face value that doesn't seem true but it's a hard belief to let go. If I was giving advice to a friend in this same situation I would tell them that this guy was a liar and never respected them. He probably doesn't respect women at all given his track record of being on his third marriage. That all his words of praise and kind thoughtful acts are just a load of crap he tries to pass off as love but is really just his way of getting what he wants from you. But when you have experienced something that felt like true love, it is a very hard belief to give up.
So this was the first love I had after my divorce. And I got burned pretty bad. By someone who ran off and married the next woman very quickly. It has definitely hindered my ability to fall for someone again and is hurting my current relationship. I can't help but always compare Stewart to Jim, and the way Jim made me feel. And sometimes I can't figure out if Stewart just falls short because I believed Jim was more amazing than he was. Or that Jim was so good at pretending to be amazing that he set up an impossible standard for a real, genuine man. Or is there something truly missing? That sense of connection, when you feel you've known the other person your whole life and they can tell how you feel or think before you even say anything.
See, I complain a lot that Stewart doesn't listen to me. Sometimes I mean that he just doesn't understand me, but other times he just literally asks me a question about something I talked to him about for like 20 minutes and I realize he just wasn't listening to a dang thing I said. The part that aggravates me the most is that he denies it. Just admit it, own up to it, and say you're sorry. But saying you were listening when you clearly weren't is really frustrating. Jim was a great listener. He remembered everything you said and he was attentive to it. It was like he studied me to understand me better, and then he would do thoughtful things because he knew I liked them. And he also thought a lot like me, so we had a deep connection. I just want to feel that way again. But I don't believe I will ever find another person like that.
On the other hand, Stewart will do just about anything for me. He is helpful with taking care of my pets and my kids. He is extremely patient. He has put up with me even though in the beginning I broke it off a couple of times because I was still hung up on Jim. And at times I have been really depressed. He is patient with my kids, and the difficulties I have dealing with my ex husband sometimes. He accepts me for who I am even with all my faults. And trust me, I've shown them to him.
At times I have wondered if I just need to revise my definition of love. Romantic love is fleeting; that mad passionate love that comes in and out of your life like a whirlwind. It can make you feel so amazing when you have it but it can leave behind a lot of destruction and devastation. I think my temperament is definitely the romantic idealist type who dreams of having that person who makes you feel something so deep inside you didn't even know was there. But maybe true love is that steady, patient love that may not be as exciting but sticks with you through the hard times, the frustrations, and maintains steadfast despite your imperfections. Unfortunately, I still don't have the answers.
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